Fathers' Day: A holiday of gratitude or yearning?

Fathers’ Day is a holiday that is so visible you can’t miss it! Advertisements, greeting cards, gift ideas, restaurant (or home grilling) choices… everywhere is filled with the importance of this holiday. But fatherhood is complex. Some of us can genuinely express gratitude to our father on this holiday. Others may have several fathers or father figures, with each representing a unique relationship. And then there are the men who yearn to be fathers but, because of personal or partner infertility, lack of a female partner or singlehood, cannot easily attain that coveted role.

So for those readers who have a positive relationship with a father, this holiday is just one day to express your love and caring to this special man in your life. It’s easy to focus these feelings on a holiday, but it’s important to know that spontaneous expressions of gratitude or sharing special memories can occur whenever the spirit moves you. Count yourself very fortunate to have this father in your life.

For many readers, Fathers’ Day is a time to weigh the differing relationships you have had with fathers and father figures. Complexity can be a challenge when a highly visible holiday suggests one father, positive feelings, and a life of shared experiences. If you have had various father figures in your life, this holiday is a time to decide how (or, perhaps, whether) to connect with them. Whatever you decide, aim to be genuine in your expression of what each relationship has meant to you over the years. This may include references to your differences, disappointments and difficulties, but even with the challenges, you may have emerged at a place where your gratitude is genuine. Relationships with fathers are an evolving experience, so hopefully you can capture some recollections to share even if the relationship may have become distant over time.

Likewise, fathers themselves may use this holiday to renew ties with birth children, adopted children, foster children, adult children and other folks of a younger generation with whom you have had a special relationship. If these relationships are ones that are valued, then think about shared meals, shared time together, or shared plans for getting together in the future that both of you can look forward to. There’s nothing magical about the holiday itself, but if it serves as a reminder that you would like to be more connected, then go for it!

But it is the men who yearn to be fathers for whom I have a special empathy on Fathers’ Day. They are the forgotten guys in the shadows of elusive parenthood. They are the ones who don’t yearn for cards or gifts but, rather, for a son or a daughter to cherish. And they feel invisible, except to their partners, on this day when their incapacity to father a child reminds them sharply of this missing role in their lives. So how to turn Fathers’ Day into something other than a day of yearning? That question will depend somewhat on your circumstances.

If infertility is the barrier between becoming a father or not, hopefully you and your partner are being diagnosed and treated at an infertility clinic, where each couple is assessed carefully by a team of health care professionals. That team should be sharing with you a timeline and a game plan for treatment, so that you don’t linger unnecessarily in the same treatment and can move to another level as medically appropriate. However, be careful with your finances, since infertility treatment can be enormously expensive and, for some couples, reduces their savings so that other choices, like adoption or surrogacy, are not an easy option economically.

Lack of a female partner is another barrier to fatherhood. For gay men wanting to become fathers, adoption and surrogacy are the major options to pursue. The “Resources” section of my recent book When You’re Not Expecting has listings of agencies that gay men will find supportive and informative in their quest for parenthood. The challenges posed by surrogacy are finding a reputable agency, handling the expenses, and deciding whose sperm will be used to conceive the baby. Some men request that their surrogate to use sperm from both of them to fertilize her eggs, while others will be more specific about which man’s sperm will be used during the insemination procedure(s). Men who choose surrogacy as an option usually identify genetic connections as important, prefer to adopt an infant, and may wish to use the same surrogate for future pregnancies, so the siblings would have a genetic connection. Adoption, which is likely to be a less expensive option than surrogacy, also should be pursued using a reputable agency. Many gay partners say that healthy infants are more likely to be matched with heterosexual couples, whereas older children, children with special needs and sibling groups are likely to be available for adoption by single parents and same sex partners. International adoption may widen the availability of adoptable infants and children, although some countries are very strict about such issues as marital status and heterosexual couples when releasing children for adoption. It is good to inquire about the average waiting time from application to adoption, learn whether travelling to the country is expected by the agency, and to understand fully any hidden costs or requirements associated with an international adoption.

Many of the same issues will pertain to single men wishing to adopt that I have indicated in discussing the challenges and rewards of gay couples adopting. However, there is one caveat I will offer. If you are a single gay male wishing to adopt, do not present yourself as heterosexual in the hopes it will enhance your chances of being matched with a child. Complete truthfulness is essential in the adoption process, in order not to risk voiding the adoption if later there is proof that deception occurred. This sounds harsh, I know, but any lawyer would tell you the same information. As with any single parent planning to adopt, you will want to assess your financial security, as well as your emotional support network who will join with you in loving your child and providing experiences and a sense of “chosen kin” that will be so important to both of you.

For further reading on the challenges of Fathers’ Day faced by men who are trying to become parents, I encourage readers to view the website of RESOLVE, the national infertility association (www.resolve.org). This week there is a focus on Fathers’ Day that is both sensitive and encouraging for men who are yearning to become fathers.

Surrogacy: Some Words of Caution

Surrogacy has been in the news for a number of years. I well remember how early media coverage focused on heart-wrenching problems, such as a surrogate mother who chose to retain custody of the baby rather than to honor the agreement she had with prospective parents. Gradually I have seen the media focus becoming more positive, with recent stories of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick welcoming their second child who was born to a gestational surrogate. Given the desperation felt by many infertile couples, I believe surrogacy has become highly appealing to couples who can afford it. And with the demand increasing, a number of fertility physicians have been responsive to couples’ efforts to pursue this option. However, the legal issues involved in surrogacy have not been clarified to keep pace with the increasing demand by hopeful couples for medical assistance in helping a surrogate conceive. I believe this “legal lag” needs to get just as much media attention as the medical successes in helping infertile people become parents. The following article is an excellent step in that direction, encouraging prospective parents to do careful homework on how they can protect themselves from the legal pitfalls that they could encounter.

A front page December 13 article in the New York Times highlighted the issues potential parents face when turning to surrogacy as a means to bring a child into their lives. The article emphasized what so many infertile people know from experience, namely that there is no legal consistency in how different states handle surrogacy. To illustrate the inconsistency, the article states some real-life examples. On one end of the spectrum, there is California, where courts have upheld the validity of surrogacy contracts. On the other end is Michigan, which holds that surrogacy is contrary to public policy and that surrogacy agreements are unenforceable. In between are about 10 states that allow for surrogacy but preserve restrictions, with the majority of states being “silent” on surrogacy, effectively creating legal uncertainty about how intended parents can proceed when their initial plans with a surrogate are challenged. The article did go on to say that fewer problems occur in those circumstances when prospective parents have a genetic link to the offspring, but also pointed out that potential trouble spots can occur in several situations including: when surrogacy arrangements are handled by for-profit agencies, when a woman has not given birth to her own child before becoming a surrogate, when the prospective parents have not been psychologically screened and when there has been no preapproval by a court in a process that would include a home study. For the approximately 750 babies born each year in the U.S. through gestational surrogacy, the legal limbo has potential ramifications for all the players in the effort to provide a healthy and loving home for these babies.

So, what lessons can we learn from this, given that legal protections will be slow to develop and, even when they do, different states will offer different enforcements? First, it is clearly important to choose a nonprofit agency that utilizes protective guidelines. Second, prospective parents should familiarize themselves with existing guidelines developed by organizations such as the American Bar Association, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology. Third, it is important to recognize, as the New York Times article emphasizes, that surrogacy is controlled mostly by fertility physicians who stand to profit financially from the procedures they carry out. Also, many of the 100 agencies in the U.S. that coordinate surrogacy arrangements do not adhere to guidelines that would protect prospective parents in case of a dispute. Given that a successful surrogacy can cost between $80,000 and $120,000, prospective parents are in a position to lose not only that money, but also the hope for a newborn to carry home.

What I have taken from this information is that prospective parents need to do careful homework and proceed with caution before choosing surrogacy as a path to parenthood. As attractive as surrogacy may be at first glance, I believe the bottom line is that prospective parents must be vigilant and legally careful in negotiating this particular path to parenthood -- both to protect their rights and the well being of potential children.